JaguarsTalk: Jacksonville Jaguars Superlatives

JaguarsTalk: Ol’ Johnny Ringo never saw it coming. Neither will the AFC South.

It will be difficult to believe, but when I was on the varsity high school football team I caught more passes, at least twice as many, than anyone else on the team, save for the back-up tight end. I set a goal for myself that year to be the most productive second string wide receiver on the team and damned if I didn’t achieve that. Our back-up tight end and I threw that football back and forth on the sidelines, warming up for our chance to get on the field. Almost the entire game, every game. Folks, when you set a goal for yourself you must follow through, and I did. Nobody caught more passes that year than we did. This didn’t go unnoticed by the coaching staff either. During the state semifinals, my number was called, at the goal line no less, and I was the primary receiver. All of my hard work that year was about to pay off. Then, our left tackle jumped, invoking a false start penalty and causing the coach to send in the starting wide receiver with a different play. As I sprinted off the field wondering what might have been, I decided to look at the bright side. The coach thought highly enough of my work ethic to send me on a slant pattern across the middle, to catch a quick touchdown pass, hoping that I could hold on to the ball after getting demolished by the linebacking core, the entirety of which had already accepted D1 scholarships to major football schools. Looking back it was more of a suicide mission. If it worked we would score and our first stringers would still be intact, able to stand, breath without the aid of machines, and basically function normally in everyday life. If it didn’t work then at least the first stringers would still be intact, able to stand, breath without the aid of machines, and basically function normally in everyday life. Born from this was my senior year football team superlative, “most likely to be oh so close.” To steal, yet again, a line from my favorite movie baseball announcer who just so happens to also be a real baseball announcer (Milwaukee Brewers), Mr. Baseball himself, Bob Uecker, I was “just a bit outside.” This in mind, we are going to assign superlatives to some of our Jacksonville Jaguars and hope they fare slightly better than I did that fateful day, my senior year, on the cool green fescue of the state semifinal gridiron. It may have been Kentucky blue now that I think about it.

Let’s kick this off with, who else but, Logan Cooke. Or will the place kicker actually be performing kick offs this year for the Jaguars? One can never be too sure. I’m going with Logan Cooke, the punter, because I know very little about Santoso and Mevis. But Logan, due to his efforts last year will be heretofore known as Mr. Plug and Play. By the way, I knew he was a big guy but did you know he is roughly the same size as rookie linebacker Devin Lloyd. He’s a punter. Forget Mr. Plug and Play, from this day forward Logan Cooke will be known as “most likely to be Pat McAfee.” With Logan’s size and ability to kick and punt, all we need now is a couple of McAfee/Holliday type hits and Cooke could potentially slot in as a third string inside linebacker as well. Maybe Cooke should be “most likely to save roster spots.” Man, I would go nuts every special teams play if Cooke transforms into the second coming of Pat McAfee, Conor McGregor walk and all. As an aside, I just took a little time out to listen to Pat describe his self recovered onside kick against Houston. That was his call to make and it takes a special set to make a call like that. Thank god he is podcasting and not in a Colts uniform now. This is a lot of column space granted to a kicker but frankly, I love the special teams guys. All of them. They play with passion and reckless abandon. They are either starters on the O or the D who have the right attitude and just want to play hard wherever they are needed or they are trying to make the team (meaning the offense or defense) and the only way to do that is by dominating on special teams. I understand the need for the NFL to cut down on injuries but handicapping special teams play the way they do nowadays really detracts from an integral and really fun part of the game. Let’s move on now.

We could take the easy way out with quarterback Trevor Lawrence and go with “most likely to do a Pert Plus commercial.” Let’s face it, with that much hair an all-in-one shampoo is the way to go. “Most likely to de-thrown Troy Polamalu.” Nah, let’s dig a little deeper. “Most likely to be hit in the face by a goose while riding a roller coaster.” Did you know that Fabio did the talk show circuit after his goose to nose debacle to stress the dangers of roller coaster riding. He literally said “this was not a freak accident. What if it were a child? They would have been killed.” Fabio sure saw that epidemic coming. If only we had listened, the number of children that might have been saved. Evidently only romance novel cover models can survive such an avian attack. Who knew? I mean, I’m still riding roller coasters but I may think twice about the front car now, maybe. Trevor Lawrence, “most likely to throw twice as many touchdowns as interceptions in 2022.” The more I research this team the more I truly feel that they are set up for success. Lawrence will make a huge jump this year and show his true potential. This is going to be exciting to watch.

Travis Etienne will be “most likely to receive Jaguars rookie of the year honors.” Why not? Technicalities aside, Etienne is like a free 2022 first round draft pick for the Jags. We got Travon Walker, Devin Lloyd, and Travis Etienne in the first round and this is the first year, God willing, that those three first round draft picks will be healthy and playing all season. Etienne basically Lisfranc’d himself accepting the phone call from the Jags to let him know he was going to be drafted in 2021 so his rookie season doesn’t even count. Now he has had a year to study the play books, get bigger, rehab stronger, mature etc… He is going to be a super rookie if that joint and those tendons hold up. Unfortunately that is a big “if” when speaking about uncommon French foot fractures. I always admire alliterative attempts - see what I did there?

Moving on to Evan Engram. I just feel like this guy has been stifled his entire professional career thus far. I am not sure if it’s the way he was used in New York, their play calling, the quarterback decision making, or what, but Engram has way more talent than he has displayed. Evan Engram is “most likely to come into his own in 2022.” This guy is going to shine and ironically it will be because he’s a great complimentary player and not because he seeks the spotlight for himself. With Engram and Dan Arnold both being excellent tight ends, the door for Engram's success will be opened by Arnold’s success. It sure doesn’t sound like I’m making sense but trust me, I always make sense, except when I’m making dolla dolla bills, ya’ll. I am not saying that we have the next coming of Gronk and Hernandez, but at the same time I’ll take a pair of tight ends who have a little less talent and a lot less of the murdering other people issue. Engram, like Lawrence, is going to bust out this year. It’s going to be fun to watch.

Josh Allen, man oh man. Boy can this guy feed. He destroyed QBs last year with questionable linebacking help so imagine what he will do with the additions of Travon Walker, Devin Lloyd, Foye Oluokun (my favorite addition) and Chad Muma. Plus the front three of Hamilton, Fatukasi, and Robertson-Harris. Josh Allen is “most likely to benefit from the rest of the front seven’s play.” Most of these newbies are rookies and whether it’s before they settle in or after they get their feet under them, it will be Allen’s veteran play that will benefit from opposing offenses trying to account for every one of Jacksonville’s newly minted defensive beasts. This won't last long however. A defense with those names will not have a standout forever. By mid to late season, everyone will be sharing the kill and nobody will be relegated to scraps.

I can’t believe how long this column has gotten already. Evidently I have wandered off the path a little more than planned with this one. Again, I embody the spirit of the great Harry Doyle. But this is fun so let’s do one more. Chad Muma will be “most likely to star in a western.” He will be the desperado of the group. The “Wanted Dead or Alive” linebacker (listen to the lyrics). You know how in the wild west you have the outcast, the loner, the gunslinger who travels from town to town and tells all the women not to fall in love because he always keeps moving and never settles down. This is Chad Muma. It’s unfortunate (especially for his girlfriend/wife to be. According to Wikipedia he is single, so I don’t know) because he has the skills to become the sheriff or at least a deputy. However, this Jaguars defense is already so stacked with the likes of Wyatt Earp, Doc Holliday, Sam Elliot from Roadhouse, and Bill Paxton (not the Bill that peed himself in True Lies but the Paxton that wielded Otis, the demon-destroying axe in Frailty), Muma gets lost in the shuffle. I see him kind of wandering around, spelling the starters and being plugged in throughout the linebacking core where and when needed, never really having a home. He is a ramblin man but a necessary piece of this jigsaw puzzle that Khan, Pederson and Baalke have put together. 

You see, for the last several years the Jaguars have had pieces of the puzzle that just didn’t quite fit together properly. You know the ones you had to pound on with your fist to force them into position. This year, however, we here at JaguarsTalk feel that Jacksonville finally has all of the correct pieces to slide into place. That’s why the 2022 Jacksonville Jaguars are…wait for it… “Most likely to compete for the last spot in this year’s playoffs.”

You heard it here first (at least the three of you who read these columns did) and if you disagree with any or all of our superlatives feel free to comment below. Who knows, maybe your comment will be the one we are “most likely to respond to.”